i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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