one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
