Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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