I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
