I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
