if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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