Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
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Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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