I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
