I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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