My balls are so social today.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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