It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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