There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
