Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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