I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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