So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My bed smells like the plague
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