mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
