He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
