OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So many bounce houses so little time
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
