she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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