The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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