Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I supernannyed him into submission
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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