My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
