Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
