i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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