yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
