I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
