He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
