i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
