you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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