i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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