i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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