Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
