someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
