Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
