it wasn't lemon gatorade
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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