you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
