Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
