Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
