Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
