my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
