I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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