Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
