im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
