yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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