My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
