The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
