i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
