I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
