do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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