Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
