I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
