Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
