First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
