Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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