Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
