??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
