If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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