His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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