So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
