its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i think i have herpe
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay