would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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